Here I go again on my own....
I have a camera propped on my dresser, in my room, and I'm letting you in. I have been asked endless questions about life and change on social media and this is my new way of expressing myself to you. Full disclosure: I had a mini panic attack about releasing my introduction to this series yesterday. As much as I am learning to live an honest life filled with happy thoughts and positive moments, I can't help but be human and worry what everyone is thinking of me.
Do I look stupid? Is this stupid? Is this just another worthless Idea?
Then I realize, it will only be "stupid" if I don't follow through. It will only be worthless if I don't put in the work and make it worth something. I am accountable for me. I can only control how I handle myself, and how I react to situations; how I view myself and what I do to be the best version of myself I can be. I also am the person in charge of deciding what "the best version of me" looks like, acts like, and what standards I hold myself to.
The biggest difference I see in myself now is I hold myself accountable. Just like a job that I have to show up to to get paid, I also have a job as Erin to carry out tasks during the day that make Erin better; working out, nourishing my body with whole foods, and following through with my commitments. I do not get "paid" in positive ways in my life if I don't do the work for myself.
Losing weight was one of the first real moments in my life that showed me what can happen if I persevere and hold myself accountable. Excuse my language, but every single fucking day, doing what I had to do to reach my goal. (at the time my goal was to stay on The Biggest Loser Ranch as long as I possibly could. I wanted to take as many tools into my day to day life about food, exercise, and me) But coming home was tough. I wasn't living in a bubble anymore where temptations were just talked about on challenges. THEY WERE REAL. And they were in front of my face when I walked down the street, when I ran errands, and even just going to the mall. I run into them everyday, every hour, every second. But I have to remember in those moments what my new goal is: to be the best version of me I can be.
These temptations don't just come in food form, they come in commitment form as well. I have plans to head to a spin class or have time carved out to work on music and a friend hits me up to take the day and frolic in the city. It seems so much easier to push my commitments to myself aside and be spontaneous. And moments like these are probably more of what I struggle with. Because working for myself is a 24/7 job, and sometimes the commitments I make to myself are easily excusable because I am the boss and the employee. But if the boss isn't making money, you might as well be an intern. What I'm trying to say is that I have the responsibility to hold myself to my own standards. I have to say, "im sorry, I can't" to a friend, because I have a commitment to another friend...myself. I have to be whole before I try to give anything to anyone. And yes, sometimes things work out and I can conduct my "Erin Appointments" and still have time to frolic in the city with a friend. Finding the balance is key. I am basically learning to right a bike again for the first time. Its about thinking about everything but worrying about nothing at the same time. It doesn't even make sense. But all of these things are up to me: how overwhelming...but truly how cool. This is all up to me. What am I going to do for myself today to be better? What am I going to do today to make myself feel more whole?
What will I decide I need to be today? Someone who is going to skip the sugar and take a hot yoga class and write a blog. And that person is different some days. Sometimes that person is going to have a small cup of ice cream because its the best in the city and I'm going to share it with my boyfriend. But I am in control once again, to find that balance.
Yesterday I was out of balance, and out of wack, worried about what people would think.
People think all the time.
I don't know what they think and never will, so why am I truly worried? Because its easier to worry about them, then focus on myself. Its easier to distract myself with the things I can't control, then give myself the responsibility and full time job to be the best Erin. Erin needs the best employee, and I am her. Erin needs to be the best boss, and you guessed it...I am her as well. I wont get paid with cash money like my bartending gig. (Yes, I work as a bartender and I live with 5 roommates, my life isn't glamorous...more on that some other time) I will get paid in a long, fulfilling life, because I put in the work.
I am worth that. My life is up to me, and I am as valuable as I want to be.
So I start this journey with you. Here I am with a camera and my thoughts: The stuff I do, the things I like, the moments I struggle with.