As I continue this journey of chronicling my life, I can't help but realize how I need to be a lot more open. As I began changing my life both physically and mentally I committed to the idea of being vulnerable. Though being vulnerable and exposed is hard at times I learn the most during these times.
As I assimilated back into the "real world" after my BL experience, I've started to lose the drive that was so passionate right after the finale. I struggle with the idea of having "figured out" my weight loss (and myself), because lets face it, I continue to struggle every single day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
One of those days was yesterday.
Over the course of the day I was just feeling very off and tired to get in a positive mindset. I worked, rode my bicycle through the beautiful city I live in, saw music on the streets of NYC, and hung with friends I hadn't seen in while. It was an incredible day. But as I've learned about myself, even beautiful days like these can be tormented by my brain's inability to turn off my worries: Where is my life going? How am I going to keep this weight off without overly obsessing about it? Do I love myself as much as I should? I struggle EVERY SINGLE DAY. I hope as I work towards committing to this blog, it helps me learn to deal and organize the more important worries from the things I can't change.
My life is moving in the direction I choose to move in. Every step matters. Even the steps I don't want to take.
Obsessing about my weight is a hard concept for me, but if I try to interweave healthy habits into my life, this can be not as difficult as I make it in my head.
Loving myself. Loving ourselves...is only as deep as we want it to be. We must allow ourselves to opening up to the concept that we are worthy of our own love. And that can fulfill us in such a bigger way than anyone else.
But other than these things, I struggled with someone I have hurt in this process of change. Their sadness and anger towards my actions has made me feel helpless. With all of this overwhelming me, I felt out of control...an emotion I hate to feel. Last night while I was out with my friends, trying to deal with all these feelings, I purged.
My eating disorder is still there. Though I struggle with the ideas in my head more often, and less of the actual act, having purged for the first time in a long time I feel ashamed and defeated. I woke up this morning and had breakfast with a best friend and opened up to her about the incident last night. Not hiding, facing it. Although I felt very disgusted with my actions towards my own body, I realized my shame is only what I make of it. Being open about this struggle will help me, and hopefully help others. I need to ask for help and lean on my trusted circle. I am grateful for these friends and family who are always there to support and love me, and help me find out how to love myself as well. But I can also be bare and exposed to those who have been inspired by me too.
I am not perfect. That is the beauty of this life. This creates an opportunity. My perspective to see that this does not make me a step behind, but a chance to initiate change. There is always something I can work on. I have to make me a priority and work on this. I hope my life is filled with love and joy from others towards me, but also these feelings towards myself and actions to support this belief.
I am looking to seek help and change this behavior. I am okay. I will be okay. But I have to be the priority right now. Me is important. You are important.
I never thought this would be part of my life. I never thought I would fall to the pressure. I was too proud. But that pride also made me hide. It make me show only the good things, not the demons. Please learn with me how to face the pride and open up about your struggles.
I never opened up, cause no one else did. It made me feel alone. Maybe it makes you feel alone. Please don't feel alone. or if you feel alone, be there with me. Im finding my way everyday. Im finding my way even when I've changed my life and I'm in a better place. I can still get caught up. I can still fall off track. But this is my time to realize quickly when I've gotten off track, be honest about it, and get back on the path I want to be. Once again, it is up to me to recommit...EVERY SINGLE DAY.
If you or someone you know struggles with an eating disorder you can find help and support through RECOVERY WARRIORS